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Three Easy Steps to Turn Rejection Into Success

Three Easy Steps to
Turn Rejection Into Success

BY: CHÉRIE CARTER-SCOTT, PH.D., MCC
Nobody likes being rejected. Your feelings get hurt, you feel unwanted, unloved, even discarded. You feel lonely, isolated, and not up to the mark.

If being rejected feels so bad, why then, would you want to set yourself up for rejection? You wouldn’t, of course, unless you were a masochist. But wait, aren’t there times when you expect to be turned down? Haven’t you noticed thoughts that tell you that your boss or loved one will never go along with your ideas? Aren’t there incidents, when you believe before you have any evidence, that you will be rejected?

Take a minute and ask yourself, Do you ever:

tell yourself that you could never date someone because you think he is out of your league (too attractive, too successful, too powerful, too rich),
tell yourself that you can’t lose the weight that you want, because you don’t have the will power, or because you like food too much,
tell yourself that you “can’t” enter an athletic competition because you’ve never done it before, or because you don’t want to fail,
talk yourself out of trying something new because you don’t want to look stupid (i.e., skiing, wind surfing, horse back riding),
You certainly weren’t born with these negative beliefs’ they were learned or adopted in situations in which you experienced that you were unable, unworthy, or unlovable. Your decision about yourself may be based upon a misunderstanding, a misperception, or taking yourself to task for the reality with which you were faced. Whatever the reason, as an adult you now have some missing pieces in your self concept.

Learning how to manage your feelings is critical to dealing with rejection, specifically, feelings related to your self worth, and your self esteem. When you reject yourself or feel the pain of being rejected by another, you need to know how to turn the feelings of rejection into validation, positive self regard, and motivation towards success.

What is rejection after all, but a feeling that you’re not wanted, not loved, not included or not good enough. The essential question is how you can turn rejection into success?

There are three key ways to turn rejection into success. They are:

An Attitude Adjustment. An attitude adjustment changes the way you view your situation by reframing the way you look at the facts. You take the current situation in which you feel like an innocent victim, and rewrite the incidents so that you appear to be the author of the scenario. You delete any trace of victim, scapegoat, or martyr from your tale. Then you decree that certain incidents happened because you wanted them to happen, almost as if you willed them.
Situation Alteration. If you are unable to adjust your attitude, or you just don’t want to, then you might pursue situation alteration. In this approach, you don’t change your attitude, you change your circumstances. You still experience and express your feelings, but afterwards you take a different tack. You come back even stronger.
Future Strategizing. If you won’t adjust your attitude, and you can’t alter the situation, then you can strategize for the future. In this approach, you milk the situation for all it’s worth. You feel the feelings, learn the lessons and focus all of your energy on how you can plan for the future. Learning lessons means not having to repeat history. Either you can see it coming and avert it, or you can try on new behaviors which would illicit a different response.

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Is Negativity Ruining Your Life?

10 Quick Tips to Nip Negativity in the Bud

By: Dr. Chérie Carter-Scott, MCC

stk163447rkeThese ten tips and techniques can keep you from falling victim to Negaholism. Just remember: the more change and stress you’re exposed to and the higher your self-expectations are set, the more vulnerable you become to the Neghaholic virus. Take these precautions, and most of all, take care of yourself…

1. Reinforce the “I can” side of you. Surround yourself with positive, supportive people who know that you’re committed to strengthening the “I can” side and starving the “I can’t” side.

2. Be honest about your needs and wants. Tell the truth about what you really need and what you really want.

3. Know yourself. Know what works and what doesn’t work for you. Be aware of your strengths and your weaknesses and communicate these to others so they know when to lend support.

4. Discover your passion. This is what makes your heart sing – what you love doing more than anything else.

5. Make plans. Look ahead and decide what you want in the short-term, the long-term and the distant future.

6. Prioritize. Determine which tasks are more important, which ones are least important and which ones fall somewhere in the middle. Then do them in that order.

7. Get organized. Don’t waste more time than you have to retrieving information or finding things. Have a place for everything and put each item or file back immediately after you’ve finished using it.

8. Keep your life in balance. Don’t allow work, family, or your other responsibilities and obligations to consume your life. Make time for you once in a while.

9. Pat yourself on the back. Acknowledge your accomplishments, reward yourself for a job well done and celebrate your successes.

10. Nurture yourself. In other words, be nice to yourself. Perform one simple act of kindness for yourself each day.

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8 Ways to Formulate Your Life Compass

8 Ways to Formulate Your Life Compass

By: Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D., MCC

Can’t decide what to do with your life? Each one of us is faced with the choice of what we Careers1are going to do with our lives. For some people, this process is very easy – perhaps you knew when you were four that you were going to grow up to be a professional ballerina. Or maybe your family has had a business for four generations, and you were nurtured and groomed to become the next CEO. For others, however, choosing what to do with their life is their greatest challenge. Whether you have a plan outlined or you don’t, you still may want some extra help to push your life into the right direction. Read more for eight ways to find your way on the path of life. Let’s address this outline for your life…

1. Family expectations. Many people determine their life path depending on their parental influence. Parents have specific ideas on the path their children should take, what they would be best at, whom they should marry, and more. After all, they’ve raised them! Some adult children agree with what their parents want for them, but others have the complete opposite idea for their life. Often, your parents are the main catalyst for which path you take in life.

2. Extended family and valued friends. With extended family and friends, you are worried you will not be fulfilling their expectations if you choose a different path then what someone may have suggested. While some family and friends think you are more than capable of doing something, you just may have a different thought of what you want to do in your life. You also may feel more encouraged to do something big in life, if family and friends are behind you to offer support.

3. Heroes and role models. Having a role model to look up to may help inspire the kind of career you would like to have. Whether the inspiration comes from a celebrity, a coach, or a teacher, it is derived from a valued person in your life.

4. Chance opportunities. When presented with an opportunity and you accept it, it may not be quite what you thought it was going to be. It works as a short-term solution to your immediate needs. Many end up staying for a much longer time then they thought because it ends up becoming familiar, predictable, and comfortable.

5. Career trends. Many careers are dependent on the environmental influence. Careers change and trend depending on supply, demand, and what may be popular at the time of choosing your career. Many careers are contingent on what is more integrated into today’s society.

6. Monetary drivers. Money being the highest priority causes more focuses on what you can do in order to make the most amount of money. When forming a career plan, money and an earning power is often one of the highest priorities.

career_path_sign7. Least resistance. With so much hassle and stress in today’s work force, many go for the path of least resistance. Some just like to go with the flow and see where things take them, and yet others still actually know what they want to do based on their values.

8. Intrinsic values. Having intrinsic values means being able to get to know you for you. Even if that’s through awareness, reflection, preferences, or meditation. In the end you should be able to create a vision for your life from the inside out.

To learn more about upcoming MMS Coach Trainings in Netherlands: click here

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8 Roadblocks On Your Path to Success

8 Roadblocks
On Your Path to Success

BY: CHÉRIE CARTER-SCOTT, PH.D., MCC
Most of us have faced a situation in our lives, a fork in the road, where we have a decision to make. We likely know the answer that’s right for us, but we seek counsel from a friend, loved one, or coach because personally, we’ve hit a roadblock.

Everyone is “coachable” and able to obtain success if they are ready, willing, and open to accept change in their life. However, there are eight roadblocks to success that even the most brilliant coach cannot break through if the coachee is not confident, disciplined, and in alignment with themselves.

So let’s break them down…

1. You believe your excuses.
Some of us can be our own worst enemy when it comes to obtaining success. Perhaps you want to go back to college, but you look at the date, and it’s past the deadline for the financial aid application, you haven’t really applied to any, you haven’t taken a class in years, you are probably too old, and chances are, you’re not smart enough for the program you are interested in anyway. Sound familiar? When you start believing your own excuses, you set up a roadblock along your pathway to success.

2. Fear prevents you from getting what you want.
Being fearful of something is normal. When you are given a difficult task, at first you are very excited, but then anxiety creeps in. Doubting yourself and your abilities makes you start to believe your negaholic voice; this causes you to give up on the difficult task you’ve been given.

3. Patterns of behavior are stronger than your goals.
When trying to begin a new era of your life, you may begin to feel overwhelmed with the twenty-four/seven demands that are pulling you in every which direction. You may start to feel anxious about what the outcome could end up being and begin to lose sight of what you are trying to achieve. This may cause you to fall back into old habits, preventing you from finishing what you set out to accomplish.

4. You aren’t able to be objective.
Remaining objective when considering a difficult choice or decision, is critical. If you lose the ability to see things neutrally, without bias or judgment, then you will become defensive, resistant, and uncoachable.

5. You aren’t accountable to yourself.
At the end of the day, your success or lack or, benefits or hinders you the most. If you choose to lose fifteen pounds, and then eat nothing but doughnuts, the only person you can be upset with is yourself. Being accountable to your self is critical for obtaining success. If you aren’t willing to be accountable to yourself, who are you willing to be accountable to?

6. You won’t stick to your commitment.
Sticking to your commitment is slightly different than being accountable to yourself. Commitments are to other people and tasks that you accepted and agreed to. If you are unwilling to commit to a relationship, then getting married wouldn’t be a great idea. If you can’t stick to watering a plant and maintaining it, having a pet or children may not be your forte.

7. You can’t manage your sub-personalities.
All of us have a variety of facets to our personality. Some facets act as the responsible parent, a playful child, maybe another still is a rebellious teenager, or a free artistic spirit. These different aspects of your personality are called sub-personalities. In most situations, sub-personalities do not hinder our day to day lives, however, there are times when sub-personalities split, and coaching is required to determine which personalities are best suited for the coachee.

8. You don’t truly believe in yourself.
One of the roles a coach has is to believe in you more than you believe in yourself, especially when you doubt yourself. Believing in yourself means that you have an unswerving trust and confidence in you, so when circumstances become difficult, you stand firm and back your choice absolutely. Belief in yourself is something that you either have or you don’t. If you don’t have it, it can be developed over time, but it doesn’t happen over night. It is a process and will take time, but with coaching, and perseverance, you can remove the roadblocks on your pathway to success.

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What Happens to New Years Resolutions?

It’s January and you are making your resolutions and setting goals for the New Year…with the best of intentions, and then what happens? Imagine that you committed to exercise on a regular basis, sound familiar? Does a voice inside your head come up with reasons and excuses that justify your inability to get this accomplished? Does work become daunting and prohibitive, gobbling up every free moment at lunch and after work? Does another voice convince you to stay in bed in the morning to steel another hour of well-deserved sleep rather than dragging yourself out of bed and going to the gym?

Imagine a mental conversation between the different facets of your personality… the side that wants to grow and improve and the opposite side that wants to stay the same. You could label them “Stay the Same” (SS) verses “Grow and Develop” (GD). The conversation might sound something like this:

G&D: You said that you would exercise three times per week!
SS: Yeah-but tomorrow is a good day to start
G&D: There is no time like the present.
SS: You need your sleep
G&D: Do what you said you would do!
SS: It’s raining outside. I could catch cold. Better go back to sleep.
G&D: You’re going to get fatter if you don’t exercise!
SS: One day won’t matter. I can easily start tomorrow.
G&D: Always tomorrow. That’s what you do,.. you delay the process.
SS: I need to have energy to exercise. I have no energy today.
G&D: You are becoming a couch potato!
SS: I will get around to it, but today I just need my rest.
G&D: There you go making promises and not sticking to them.
SS: If I push myself too hard I will only rebel. I need space.
G&D: I simply cannot trust you to do what you say!
SS: I will get around to it, but today is just not the right day to start. Perhaps tomorrow!
Does this sound familiar?

Have you ever noticed a conversation like this in your mind? If you recognize this voice, congratulations! This means that you are paying attention, and you have achieved the step to “Internal Voice management:” which is hearing them.

These voices can impede progress by:

Rendering you unable to decide or choose (something or anything)
Overwhelming you with options
Imposing pressure both externally and internally
Flip-flopping back and forth
Being fearful of making mistakes
Saying one thing, then doing the exact opposite
Making a mess of relationships or situations

Since there is a conversation happening, there must be (at least) two voices engaged in a dialog. This conversation can either motivate or de-motivate; it can encourage, or discourage, reinforce or defeat. The choice you have is which voice you will pay attention to, encourage, nurture, and develop is ultimately up to you…and reconciling this dilemma is what enables you to ultimately “Become One.”

In some cartoons, the voices of angel and devil sit on either shoulder whispering in each ear, urging the person in the middle to follow their agenda. It can be very humorous until you see the dynamic playing out in your own life, being buffeted about by forces that seem beyond your control. Paying attention and noticing the subtle voices of encouragement or sabotage is the very first step in the process of Becoming One with “Yourself.”

In order to do this, you must flush out old belief systems that are in opposition to your present and future wishes for yourself. If part of you doesn’t believe that you have the ability to do what you say you will do, then you will either succumb to the self-fulfilling prophesy, wrestle with a lack of alignment, or possibly encounter an internal saboteur (Negaholic) who argues for your limitations and holds you back. If you don’t hold yourself accountable to do what you say you will do, then there is the possibility that …

Your old patterns of behavior are stronger than your goals
You don’t honor your commitments
Your lack of congruency impacts your self-esteem
Someone else is in charge of your life… instead of you!
If you find yourself saying, “I’d really like to manage my time better, but I just can’t say ‘No’ and disappoint people,” then you might be interested in the concept of sup-personalities. Usually when someone uses these words, “I want to…but…I can’t!” it is a clue that there may be opposing forces at work. Those opposing forces may be sub-personalities.

A sub-personality is a facet of a person’s central personality that engages on a temporary basis, as a coping mechanism to enable them to cope with a situation.

For more information on sub personalities and how to manage them, order Become One: Claim the Driver’s Seat of Your LIfe. For more information on Negaholics, order Negaholics: How to Overcome Negativity and Turn Your Life Around. You can order both books on www.drcherie.com. Overcome obstacles in 2013 by recognizing them, and doing what is required to be bigger than your blocks.

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Love is in the Air

Love is in the Air

Cherie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.

If Love is a Game, These are the Rules presents the option of playing “the game” with a partner, one who is playing with the same rules as you. It is one thing to play “the game” by yourself, however, when you add a partner, the learning opportunities become multiplied exponentially. When you add a partner to the equation, one and one equal three: your own experience, your partner’s personal experience and the experiences shared between the two of you. Entering the arena of love will provide you and your partner with an entirely new set of lessons – lessons that can greatly enhance your life.

Intimacy is a process in which two people pursue their own personal growth within the context of their relationship. Throughout the past 25 years, I have led workshops and facilitated couples in search of authentic relationships – relationships based on principles of honesty, respect, communication and a deep level of connection. I have assisted couples in defining their purpose, their expectations, their visions, their values and their willingness to go beyond two separate entities of “I” and intentionally create a joint “we.” I have witnessed unions being formed, formalized, and finalized.

Learning about authentic love is a process. It requires that you go deeper than the thrill of infatuation, that you go beyond the rush of chemistry, and that you sometimes transcend the expectations of family, friends and society. Authentic love requires that you discover and embrace your authentic self, and from that essential self draw to you the person with whom you want to hold hands and experience together the adventure of life.

Yet what exactly is authentic love?

Authentic love is choosing your partner exactly as they are; it is putting your energy behind your choice and causing the relationship to be magical, rather than searching for reasons why it can’t work. Love is supporting your partner in their choices, urging them to fulfill their hearts’ desires and go for all of their dreams.

Authentic Love is honoring your partner’s truth and wanting the very best for them. It is not controlling or possessing but rather respecting and trusting their unique path in life. Love is the courage to tell the truth especially when you believe it is unspeakable.

Authentic Love means knowing your boundaries and respecting those of your partner; it means reaching out when you don’t want to, communicating rather than assuming, and asking questions rather than jumping to conclusions. Love means working things out rather than fighting; fighting rather than leaving; staying through the misunderstandings, the hurt feelings, the disappointments and knowing, through your commitment, all can be healed. It means staying when you want to give up; honoring your commitment to work things out with the one you have chosen.

Authentic Love means focusing on what you appreciate and why you are grateful. It means focusing on solutions rather than on problems. It means focusing attention on your partner and letting them know each day how much you care. It means treasuring your beloved and never taking them for granted.

Authentic Love means living without judgments to create the safety to tell your truths. It means living each day with your partner as if it were your last. It’s the willingness to be yourself and live in harmony with each other.

What does an authentic relationship look like? It looks and feels real. It thrives on honesty and shimmers with truth. An authentic relationship flexes and bends with the fluctuating needs and changes of each partner and gracefully weathers hardships. It is a relationship in which both partners are committed to the growth and evolution of both individuals in their respective life paths. Much like the diamond used to symbolically represent the bond of matrimony, an authentic relationship sparkles with brilliance and light while maintaining a solid and enduring core. It is the context in which true love was meant to exist.

Excerpted from If Love is a Game, These are the Rules: Ten Rules…

If you liked what you read, consider purchasing the paperback edition for everyone you want to have more love in their life!

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Is Scrooge a Negaholic?

Absolutely!

No question about it.

The real question is, are you a “Scrooge Negaholic” when it comes to buying gifts for those you love?

Do you have conversations in your head about:
• What they might buy for you?
• What they bought for you last year?
• What you should buy for them?
• What you should spend on their gift?
• What you shouldn’t spend on their gift?
• Whether they deserve anything at all from you?

If you are having conversations about gifts like the ones listed above, then it is time to address your strain of Negaholism.

No one is born with the generous giving gene. Giving is something that is learned over time from exposure to generous, thoughtful, and intuitive people. Giving is developed when you take the time to listen, to observe, to discover what someone really wants.

Choose the three names of people you have had mental conversations about, and write each one’s name on the top of a blank piece of paper. Then write down everything you can recall that you have given or done for each of them throughout the last year. Remember to include tangible and intangible gifts, random acts of kindness, as well as unique and fun experiences. If you can recall your gifts, it means that they were memorable, however, if you can’t recall them, it means that they blended in with the fabric of life and were easily forgotten. Take note of those gifts that you feel represent your spirit of giving. Ask yourself what circumstances surrounded the procurement of the gift. Ask yourself what contributed to the special nature of the situation. Recall any features that impacted the situation, timing, selection, or the sensitivity to the moment. Recalling these moments helps you validate what has worked and learn from what hasn’t. Awareness of what worked in the past is the first step in discovering your generosity for the future.

If this “Memory Lane” exercise didn’t work for you, here is a Present Day exercise called, “Know Thy Friend.” Take one person, your best friend and complete the Gift Giving Profile on either him or her. When you are complete rate how well you know this person.

Gift Giving Profile

Name of gift recipient:________________________________________ Date:_________
His/her favorite color(s): _____________________________________________________
His/her hobbies: ____________________________________________________________
Items which could augment a hobby:____________________________________________
Sports s/he likes:____________________________________________________________
S/he collects:_______________________________________________________________
His/her favorite pastime is:____________________________________________________
Types of music s/he likes:_____________________________________________________
S/he likes to read:___________________________________________________________
His/her areas of interest:_____________________________________________________
Things that s/he feels are needed professionally:__________________________________
Things s/he feels are needed personally:_________________________________________
Frivolous things that s/he would enjoy:__________________________________________
Things that are worn out and need replacing:_____________________________________
Things which would stretch him/her to a new level in some area: _____________________
Wishes, hopes, or dreams which you could encourage______________________________
Special items s/he would think were fun:_________________________________________
Special items s/he would think were amusing:_____________________________________
Things s/he likes to taste:_________________________ smell:_______________________
Things s/he likes to listen to:___________________________________________________
Things s/he likes the feel of:___________________________________________________
Things s/he likes to see:______________________________________________________
Things s/he likes the look of:___________________________________________________
Things for self-development or education: ________________________________________
Art s/he likes:_______________________________________________________________
Something good for work:_____________________________________________________
Something good for travel:____________________________________________________
Useful travel items would be:__________________________________________________
Custom made items that would be treasured by him/her:_____________________________
Desirable article(s) of clothing:__________________________________________________
Jewelry Preferences: stones:____________metal:_____________setting:______________
Furniture style and design:____________________________________________________
Gadgets that would be enjoyed:________________________________________________
Antiques that would be treasured:_______________________________________________
Practical items that would take some stress out of life:________________________________
Plants which are appreciated:___________________________________________________
Types of flowers or plants:_____________________________________________________
Favorite store to receive a gift from______________________________________________

Of the 40 items, how many did you know? Give yourself 2.5 points for every blank you filled in. Then score yourself. Do you think you know the person well? Did some of the items remain blank? The key here is really knowing who your recipient is, understanding what gives them pleasure, and what their preferences are when presented with choices. If you can answer all these questions accurately, then you know your person very well. Congratulations!

If you had difficulty answering the questions, then perhaps you need to get to know this person better. Perhaps you want to give him or her a subscription to a website where you can learn more about them…

You don’t have to overspend to give generously. Giving is about opening your heart and listening to the message that connects you, the giver, with the receiver. Giving can be creative, and find ways to bring a smile, ignite a twinkle, or touch the heart. When you change the way you see something, the way you define something, or when you put two seemingly unrelated items together you exercise your creativity. Creativity is looking at a challenge with new eyes so that you derive solutions that were not readily apparent before.

Generosity flows from you when your cup is full. Some people are naturally generous, while others must learn it. When the spirit of generosity has been ignited there is no end to the goodwill that you will spread to others. Generosity begets gratitude. The generous-grateful cycle is a spiral of positive energy exchange. The ultimate outcome of giving the right gift is creating joy and pleasure in the spirit of your receiver. The ancillary result is nurturing your relationship; the right “match” is made, your recipient experiences gratitude for you knowing, and understanding who they are and respecting their preferences.

This holiday season, don’t restrict yourself to a financial black box, but rather allow your generosity to manifest through giving creative gifts…magical moments…the gift of time…the gift of care…the gift of yourself.

If you enjoyed this article, you might want to visit www.drcherie.com and see our documentary (bottom right) and look at our online bookstore for The Art of Giving e-book, ready for you to download immediately.

Phone: (800) 321-6342 • www.drcherie.com • info@themms.com

©MMS Institute, LLC 2011