Three Easy Steps to
Turn Rejection Into Success
BY: CHÉRIE CARTER-SCOTT, PH.D., MCC
Nobody likes being rejected. Your feelings get hurt, you feel unwanted, unloved, even discarded. You feel lonely, isolated, and not up to the mark.
If being rejected feels so bad, why then, would you want to set yourself up for rejection? You wouldn’t, of course, unless you were a masochist. But wait, aren’t there times when you expect to be turned down? Haven’t you noticed thoughts that tell you that your boss or loved one will never go along with your ideas? Aren’t there incidents, when you believe before you have any evidence, that you will be rejected?
Take a minute and ask yourself, Do you ever:
tell yourself that you could never date someone because you think he is out of your league (too attractive, too successful, too powerful, too rich),
tell yourself that you can’t lose the weight that you want, because you don’t have the will power, or because you like food too much,
tell yourself that you “can’t” enter an athletic competition because you’ve never done it before, or because you don’t want to fail,
talk yourself out of trying something new because you don’t want to look stupid (i.e., skiing, wind surfing, horse back riding),
You certainly weren’t born with these negative beliefs’ they were learned or adopted in situations in which you experienced that you were unable, unworthy, or unlovable. Your decision about yourself may be based upon a misunderstanding, a misperception, or taking yourself to task for the reality with which you were faced. Whatever the reason, as an adult you now have some missing pieces in your self concept.
Learning how to manage your feelings is critical to dealing with rejection, specifically, feelings related to your self worth, and your self esteem. When you reject yourself or feel the pain of being rejected by another, you need to know how to turn the feelings of rejection into validation, positive self regard, and motivation towards success.
What is rejection after all, but a feeling that you’re not wanted, not loved, not included or not good enough. The essential question is how you can turn rejection into success?
There are three key ways to turn rejection into success. They are:
An Attitude Adjustment. An attitude adjustment changes the way you view your situation by reframing the way you look at the facts. You take the current situation in which you feel like an innocent victim, and rewrite the incidents so that you appear to be the author of the scenario. You delete any trace of victim, scapegoat, or martyr from your tale. Then you decree that certain incidents happened because you wanted them to happen, almost as if you willed them.
Situation Alteration. If you are unable to adjust your attitude, or you just don’t want to, then you might pursue situation alteration. In this approach, you don’t change your attitude, you change your circumstances. You still experience and express your feelings, but afterwards you take a different tack. You come back even stronger.
Future Strategizing. If you won’t adjust your attitude, and you can’t alter the situation, then you can strategize for the future. In this approach, you milk the situation for all it’s worth. You feel the feelings, learn the lessons and focus all of your energy on how you can plan for the future. Learning lessons means not having to repeat history. Either you can see it coming and avert it, or you can try on new behaviors which would illicit a different response.